slipgun's den

everyday epiphanies treated to overanalysis. plus techno-social-cultural babble from a 3rd world point of view.

Saturday, May 17, 2003
listening to : deftones - deftones

but i have to write. continuing from my previous post, i realize i have to write. if i don't i do the shit i am not used to. the 2 things that drive me to crazy, or the lack of thereof. deftones and a outlet of my pain. the cheese becomes more and more seeable as it progresses but it is the truth. u may play but this is my source and outlet and everything. this is my place and i kept myself away from it. tried to write but it never came out. told myself to sit down and write till i go crazy but no i have to keep myself away. broke my promise of doing what i want to. the only thing that i ever followed in my life. am i doing what i want to right now? hedonistic but true. teen but right in this age. who am i to brake away?

the guy has gone. after fucking around for pretty much the better part of an hour he has left. after i finally started downloading deftones' new album and sat down with him and let him blurt out that he wanted to make me feel the hurt which i have caused to his position. but it never hurt his psyche. no. its his pride which is hurt. fallen down in the eyes of the others.

what do u do when u fall down in your own eyes. what do u do when u crack up after years of hardening. or supposed hardenning. or maybe just pushing the whole teen thing for a later time thus knowing what is to come but in no way prepared for it and falling down and making the same mistakes as everyone did?

for starters, u don't cry over spilled milk. or the lack of it. yesterday i finished a lot of work and went to my friends' place to sit down and drink myself to death. for 2 days i had been in this huge bout of frustration which was not letting me enjoy my work or play. taking jimi hendrix as the idol and enough food to vomit positively, some friends pulled out. never mind. point is i drank enough to poison myself. but it never works where it should. it will never affect the correct geography. instead of my health, my mind got fucked and my frustration peaked and magnified and everything became so clear. the anwer seemed death. nothing more. nothing else.

i broke down. nervous breakdown. for the first time in my life, i was not in control. then u realize how important sane friends are. for the first time in life, i lost it. i was no more the epitome of control and the strength for everyone. i was just another sulking wanting teenager. getting used to the idea of it is so fearful that i am still not ready to confront it. getting used to myself again is fearful and circumstances demand immediate action. i don't have time to get back to normal, feel this is embarassing and then finally laugh at myself. i cannot go through these phases in 2-3 days or hours. i thought these rite of passages are not for me. i was always in control. no more. i fear myself. i know now that there are sometimes when i am not in senses. i know now that i can hurt myself.

if i don't smoke, it is because i knew i would not be able to my cigarette consumption. because i knew it is not in my reach. but i tried and tested the limits of my existence yesterday. in that state, for those revolting 2 hours of my lfe, i think i said something about my new job too working on the site and how it was taking a toll on me. my friends told me to to pushing myself when i don't have the need for it. but this is exactly the fatalistic streak which has grown in me unnervingly and unaware of myself. i have pushed my boundaries to see when i fall and i saw myself fall. i would not be here if it wasn't for my friends pushing balls of cloth in my mouth and restraining my limbs from all sides. shudder. fall. think about it. but don't do it yourself. i am scared of listening to songs again. i sense that state coming easier to me now that i have done it once. but that is not what i want to do. that is not my situation.

at this point of time, i can't say what i have done is good or not. it has made me fear myself. but i have found my limits. i have found what it happens when u burst a dam. when u start to give a damn. till the time i was cool and never to involved in people, this leak would not have hapenned. but that fucking gurl, she came and screwed everything up. i breached my wall and let one opening for once chance. and on the point of no return, it fell away. it just gave way.

go back to work son. get back to reality. overcome. first realize. when u realize - not question yourself out - the problem, then let the answer overwhelm you. then see if u r still teen.

why does this happen to me?

why do all these people fom different frustarations of life have to end up at the door of my cafe. maybe it is becasue i am located at this weird place on the conjuction of high class apartments and a ghetto. now i have this weirdo who frequented my cafe and came in drunk at the ungodly hour of 3 am. i told his other friends to take him and now his friends turned out to be -in-laws to be who left after seeing his misdemanor and now this guy holds me responsible for creating a problem. the usual rounds of how his pride and position is lost in society and how he can have a whole gang of people to kill me right now follow.

i am surpised at these people. don't they know what they are doing. do they expect me to allow them to create a scene? but then it is no more scene. it is the amount of shit these people carry along with themselevs in the guise of society and its norms. the amount of time these people spend in creating a persona in public far removed from their inner sinner self and then watch it break and fall down. all i can ask is why? why all these false emotions? why all this work into something you are not? why don't they try to find a place where they belong, a dystopia of such low lifes who intend to go high up in the social chain but think they are following the right paths. they think contacts is everything. all i have tried all my life is to stay away from these people and they have tried to avoid me seeing that i am of a different background alltogether but this situation was coming. incite me and you face shit. your shit. this guy, however drunk knows that in this scenario, my only option was to tell people with him to take him away and knows that was he was doing was wrong but still expects me to understand. voila, communication gap el-pronto!

so this feeling is very uneasy. right now this guy has gone and is planning to do things and stuff and i am sitting and pouring my brains out on the net. is it the right thing to do for me? i can be hurt a lot tomorrow and maybe fucked up but no, i have to write.

yehe!! although I have not gamed properly for some years now, after I logged on and started reading and browsing on the web, my skillz are rusty and memory going.

now lets see, a lot of the old timers r here. Doom, quake, blood, i think the best of the lot was blood. its intent was to scare and it damn well did that.

those simple addictive games are the worst of the lot. minesweeper, solitaire, they r so simple u just have to have one more try. i am warning u guys but if anyone wants to waste a lot of time, let me tell u about a game called icy tower. don't blame me after that.

daiblo and others of the ilk seem like starnge game to me where u just have to go on killin people and so on and so forth until it never ends. obviously, killing people in top down mode without any relish - say in comparsion to soldier of fortune which satisfied my bloodlust - is not my types.

right down with the strategy games. even they seem to be too long to me. the macro scale games like aoe2, c&c, i have ran from them. but the micro managment game, sims is like damn good. it makes u feel so good to control a guy's life. :D

game soundtracks are another damn good choice maker for me. it has to rock, plain and simple. till now its the bad games sector which have featured it and they r my new fad. downloaded dave mirra fresstyle bmx and could not leave it for some time. atleast 2 days i was oblivous to the world and its hapennings. happened to me again when i checked out tony hawk pro skater - now in its 4th avatar - and again when i checked out border zone which i think is the coolest game ever. EVER. its a skiing game and it so rocks. it has speed, style, awesome unlimited tricks, fucking good lighting and is probably the only for pc. its second coming - SSX2 - was released only on PS2.

break note - i only played this one time on PS2 when i went to one of my friend's house in west end, delhi. my take is that the thing demands more than normal tv. u got to have high res 60'' tv or nothing else. the game i played, some activision title on biking in the future was so fucking awesome. damn i miss gaming.

coming back to the soundtrack discussion, yup that has what has spurred me into the whole x-games genre and now i am hooked. all of them feature excellent bands like sublime, deftones, primer 55, etc. some of the games have entire soundtracks composed of one guy like carmeggedon 2 : carapocalypse now featured only iron maiden. not all games have to be good even if a good OST like the test drive and demolition racer series.

by far the best original game scores have been achieved in NFS. that title was what originally got me into the whole scene and i still remember nfs3 had a nice rock/techno score, nfs4 had a full on dnb/prodigy styled techno score and nfs5 had these beautiful electronic soundscapes. mfs6 has gone back to the liscensing ideas featuring rush and pulse ultra and a host of other nu-prog bands. not that rush is one too, hehe. the original racing game with which i started and which came free with compaq was moto racer. now that was good. it had a nice sense of hunour and some really crazy settings. that is important in a game.

ya i played commandos 2. infact it was one of the games i liked to watch never play. my brother is still into this whole genre of war games, be it strategy or close 1st person. he used to play commandoes and i used to sit down and learn about ww2. i got a bad habit of delta force 2 from him but the fucking software rendered was so bad. then i discovered rainbow six and SWAT and never played DF2 again. then there was this game called hidden and dangerous. i still have to check out the NKOTB, battlefield 1942. heard its pretty good.

one thing i have never gotten around to play is those sport simulations. don't know why but it seems a good idea to go play on the field then on the TV.

somebody talked about urban chaos. thats a bad game dude. considering there r far better adventure games. and th king of it all, or rather the queen, tomb raider. that was one of the first games i sat down with whoely when i bought a PC at home. i finished tr2 in around 10 weeks playing 2-3 hrs daily. that too the gold edition which contained the additional 6 levels and 5 levels in the original story. it was so fucking sweeping in tis expanse. it went all over from china to venice to sea rig to underwater sunk columbus ship to tibet and back to china. that was one fucking ride and i had got stuck in one of the venice levels. what i did was a glitch a undiscovered one. so i have to go back again. i tried tr 1 next and i still think thats the best of the lot. in terms of story and timing. but then u get fed up of block based puzzles. i saw my brother taking up tr4 and tr - the lost levels. i never went back after that. she was like my second virtual love after nfs. more adventure games that i checked out was indiana jones partially and myst. myst is too good. far too good.

yo RAhwolf, f-22 raptor got into for some time. think around a month it took me to finish it. some other games which i finished before coming to delhi and leaving thw hoel gaming habit was serious sam, crimson skies, MDK 2, and some other games.

serious sam was the only FPS which i liked. maybe because of its cool value and its amazing visuals. the others like quake3, unreal and halflife were never that great for me. serious sam had attitude, zany secrets and super hevay villains. it was far too unworldly. and i was hearing about the serious engine for years now. how it could handle over 100-200 characters on one screen, how deftly it handled inner room and outer field trackings in one go (if u go back and check, adventure games like tomb raider could only handle inner room maps while quake was totally field based).

that is all i seem to remember right now. more nostalgia will leak in some time. :D

Thursday, May 15, 2003

in around 10 minutes, i will leave to see 2 towers.

that about sums up what i have been upto for all this time. one of those times when everything starts picking up speed and then you realize that maybe your life was probably too slow for starters and this is normal. but then normal is what normal defines.

continuing in the movies vein, i saw tears of the sun yesterday. if any one is wondering, why this sudden avalanche of movies, well its because i have started paying attention to them. TOTS is not a very good movie. in fact it tries very hard to be a good movie but is still mirred in hollywood jingoism and too much in it. yeah i know the intent and i appreciate the director for that but please spare us from so many steroetypes.

one scene was excessively brutal. a mother's breast had been cut off so she could not feed a newborn thus very effectively nullifying future resistance by tribals against the rebels. that scene did a lot. even if it was a mediocre effort, it makes you think about it. how in a war you can effectively potray good and bad. it is not as simplistic as hollywood would want to believe. want us to be believe. sometimes the lines are not clear and even if you try to help, you maybe taken as the enemy. point is that the innocent should not be harmed in any case. and they r taken too easily. civilian casualities is a word as vulgar as its usage. whatever, i liked the treatment of the movie. it was cheesy at moments but as a nice timepass, it definitely made you think. oh and not to forget the lush green landscapes which most probably is hawaii and not nigeria.

cliche's galore :
1. the doves flying while murder,
2. the captain-its-a-pig-hahaha and you r fucked fake,
3. the corny boob showing angry young doctor who says they have t take a break when they godamn know that people r behind them to kill and even she is in danger.

you know thats what i learned yesterday. when you involve women, shit is bound to occur. it happens without fail and will happen till women show that they r no more a commodity then money, land or such things which men have fought over for so much time. pardon me ladies but this bitterness is out of a totally teen reason which i know is teenish and i know i will laugh but under the influence, everything changes. all senses are heightened. even if i try to put my hurt behind me, it just rises at these times and then i have to drown myself into work. so much of it that i don't think about anything else.

gates touts new secure computing system

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - Consumers shouldn't be worried that Microsoft Corp. (MSFT)'s new security technology will wrest control of their PCs and give it to media companies, Bill Gates said Tuesday. They can always choose not to use it, he said.
The Microsoft co-founder expects consumers as well as governments and businesses to embrace the system, which hard-wires security into silicon chips rather than just software. It's designed to offer unprecedented levels of protection against hacking and eavesdropping.
"This is a mechanism that if people want to use, for example, to protect medical records, they can use it," Gates said in an interview with The Associated Press. "It's a lot of work to do this stuff, and we think consumers will want those privacy guarantees. If they don't want them, then fine, ask me about our other work.
windows OS roadmap
windows OS roadmap
A Japanese site has (bravely) posted some screenshots and video footage of the new UI features in Longhorn and exactly how it behaves. You can see from the screenshots and videos that the Windows in Longhorn can be stretched, flipped and spun around. At the end of the screenshots and videos is a note to show this is infact build 4015. Indicating this kind of UI is already available in Longhorn builds at the moment. However this build is different to the build that leaked to the internet a few weeks ago, this is a Lab6 build whereas the leaked edition is a main build.
The shots and videos show that core to Longhorn itself is the element of it's new UI developing. The fact DX9 can handle this kind of animation and the animation we have seen in technologies like the slideshow on the sidebar is amazing. As Longhorn is currently at Milestone 5 I am sure between now and Milestone 7 we'll see these kind of animation features of the next Windows even more. I'm not sure if we'll see these kind of windows animation features for the final product but this is a demonstration of just how powerful the animation effects in Longhorn will be...
openoffice now open to scripting
penOffice, the group behind the Open Source office suite, has started a new project based on scripting and macros for the OpenOffice software. Up until now most talk about scripting and macros has occurred on the dev(at) list, with scripts being mailed directly to This new system creates a repository for any scripts and any discussion relating to them.
gates goes from geek to chic

Granted, Microsoft chairman and chief software architect Gates doesn't have quite the crazed charisma of Apple Computer CEO Jobs. But the new prototype computer Gates was fondling in front of hundreds of hardware developers on Tuesday looked so much like a Mac that it was impossible not to draw comparisons between the two men and their machines.
The parallels went further than just a sexy computer on display and a crowd of enthusiastic onlookers who obviously couldn't wait to get their hands on it. During his opening keynote speech at the 12th annual Windows Hardware Engineering Conference, Gates also talked about the importance of designing visually appealing, easy-to-use PCs and software.
"Whoa, did I get on the wrong plane and end up at MacWorld?" wondered hardware developer Frank Copper. "Since when does Microsoft care about how computers or software looks? Someone has obviously hacked and reprogrammed Bill."
p0rn0 king patents p0p-ups

If you hate pop-up ads, you might blame Brian Shuster. A long-time figure in the Internet pornography world, Shuster recently received a patent for the ad format and is now looking to make some money off the sites that use it. And that’s just the beginning — Shuster has a long list of pending patents, including one for pop-up audio ads that cannot be turned off.
the road to longhorn

At the Windows Hardware Engineering Conference (WinHEC) 2003 trade show in New Orleans in May 2003, Microsoft finally revealed its roadmap for Longhorn, the next major Windows desktop version, and the successor to Windows XP. Longhorn, as readers of this site know, will be the most dramatic and exciting release of Windows ever, and the most important update to the product since Windows 95. As I noted in my first Longhorn preview, published almost a year and a half ago, Longhorn has long been wrapped in mystery, with conflicting reports about the product's features and an unprecedented number of purposefully forged screenshots, video clips, and technical documents. In that first preview, I played the role of debunker, forced to document the many Longhorn fakes out there, explain why they weren't real, and then detail the information about Longhorn I knew to be correct. This year, things are becoming more clear, thanks to a suddenly open and communicative Microsoft, and the all-to-obvious fakes are fewer. So here's what we know about Longhorn, circa mid-2003.
new hacking tool sees the light

BERKELEY, Calif.--A Princeton University student has shed light on security flaws in Java and .Net virtual machines by using a lamp, some known properties of computer memory and a little luck.
An attack requires physical access to the computer, so the technique poses little threat to virtual machines running on PCs and servers. But it could be used to steal data from smart cards, asserts Sudhakar Govindavajhala, a computer-science graduate student at Princeton who demonstrated the procedure here Tuesday.
new survey unveil's email users perception

Email Users Favor Delete Key, Would Prefer Unsubscribe Option from ISPs and Express Interest in Improved Delivery of Critical Communications According to Bigfoot Interactive/RoperASW Results.
In addition, women were nearly twice as likely to use the "Report Spam" or "This is Spam" button/link (6.2% women vs. 3.4% men) or set a filter against pornography (6.1% women vs. 3.1% men). (WTF)

The Deftones were joined on-stage by Taproot frontman Stephen Richards for a performance of their track "Teething" at their recent show in Detroit, MI. The Deftones also attempted an earnest yet failed cover of their very early and rare track "Linus" at the same perfomance. The Deftones will release their self-titled new album through Maverick next week on May 20th.

NIRVANA: Unauthorized Interview DVD On The Way - May 15, 2003
An unauthorized NIRVANA DVD, titled "Nirvana - The Untold Stories", will be released in the U.S. on June 17. The DVD, which is not an official release by NIRVANA's label, Universal Music, reportedly contains rarely-seen interview footage purged from various archives, and includes no musical content from the band. The 60-minute DVD will have a list price of $19.99 and will also be released on VHS.

Patrick: Just give me five bands. Five bands you’d love to play with.

Serj: I think Bjork is amazing. I think Jim Morrison and the Doors would be amazing to be on stage with (laughs) I’m just searching right now. Frank Zappa maybe. Bill Lazlo and Zakhir Hussein I already got on stage with them and that was amazing. I don’t know if you know who Zakhir Hussein is. And, Bill Lazlo used to own Axium Records, done a lot of very cool underground work and world albums. And, dubbed stuff and remixes and all sorts of stuff.

BEATALLICA, the anonymous two-man band that plays "BEATLES tunes done METALLICA style", have posted a total of seven tracks in MP3 format atthis location The songs available for download are as follows:
01. Sgt. Hetfield's Motorbreath Pub Band
02. A Garage Dayz Nite
03. For Horsemen
04. No Remorseful Reply
05. The Thing That Should Not Let It Be
06. Everybody's Got A Ticket To Ride Except For Me And My Lightning
07. ...And Justice For All My Loving
The group, who choose to stay anonymous in order to avoid possible litigation from METALLICA and BEATLES' high-priced lawyers, reportedly consist of two guys who have their own separate bands and do this purely for fun. Look out for more BEATALLICA material shortly, including such soon-to-be-classics as "Got to Get You Trapped Under Ice", "Leper Madonna", and "Blackened the USSR".

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